Damn it baby I MISS YOU!! I haven’t seen any interest in you talking to me ever again. But I don’t care I know I love you, that’s all that really matters to me right now. You don’t even have to love me back, it’s all here for you still. All the feelings, the longing to have you, the memories all of it.
When I called you yesterday for your birthday, I was nervous as fuck. I didn’t know if you’d answer or not and I was just nervous. Lol I don’t know what came over me. And then you answered. And not only did you answer you were happy. Your voice sounded happy. And it made me happy to know that for sure when I talked to you whether I caused it or not YOU ARE HAPPY. It just gave me this feeling of relief. I hope that you really are truely happy right now =) I hope you had way too much fun last night and danced so much in the clubs. I know you were safe, you always are.
I just want to start talking to you all the time now. But I need to remember, time heals all. Maybe this time apart between us will put us in a good position when I get back from school. Maybe. I really miss you, and just because I don’t write on this blog every single day doesn’t mean I don’t check up on you (Facebook and Tumblr) all the time. I’m a stalker in love. Lol I’ve always been in love with you woman! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!
There’s still lots of time to go, and plenty of things can happen between now and then. But I expect to be at everything important, like your graduation. I won’t be there for your first day of class. But I’ll definitely know when it is, you’ll post it. And maybe I’ll call you and ask you how it went. I’m so proud of you. I miss you, I love you, I’ll do anything to have you back in my life
XOXOXOXX
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I’m happy that you’re happy. In a sense, everything worked out. It all happens for a reason. We learn from life’s experiences. Me, personally, all the time. I miss you and still love you very much. I’m so proud of you, to hear you made into Geneseo, that news just blew my mind. I knew you could do it. I knew you’d get accepted but seeing those words and thinking about how excited you were… I know you’re happy.
I think about you everyday. And I know most of what I say sounds cliche, but it’s the easiest way to put how I feel in words. To explain the inexplicable. I’ll chase until I can’t chase you anymore. To have you back in my life would be the greatest thing that could ever happen to me. At times I wonder if you think about me too… but that’s irrelevant to my point. I’ll always love you no matter what. I still do to this very day and that, for a very obvious reason, has not and will not change. I don’t know if we’re meant to be together or not but, I love you, and I hope that one day we can at least be friends again because every thing that we’ve went through, and even the things I’ve missed and just sat by and observed make me think that you are the most beautiful, intelligent, and warm hearted person I know. And I love you for that and much more.
Your birthday is in 3 days! I bet you’re ridiculously excited about that! You’ve been waiting for this one for a long time. I hope you get to do everything you want to, I hope you enjoy yourself and do whatever your heart desires on your birthday. Be please. Just be safe. Just be cautious, because as we both know, everyone isn’t always what you may expect them to be or what they display to others who they are. So enjoy yourself, have fun, go crazy, but be safe. Please. I hope you get everything you want. And all that you deserve. You and only you baby. I love you.
I was completely wrong about the Facebook statuses and the hints on Tumblr. Made an ass out of myself. Well it wouldn’t be the first time. So anyway, school. Here, back where the problems first started. I’m so sorry I can’t apologize enough for how things have ended between us. I just hope you know I’m all yours. He doesn’t long to be there for you like me. He doesn’t love you, he can never like me.
I guess my love will prove itself over time. Over a length of time, my only fear is that you won’t want me back. Idk why you won’t talk to me. It’s…hard. I’ve said that time and time again. But I don’t care! I want you. Your love is worth fighting for, and my love for you is strong enough to last. I know. I will fight and stay strong day in and day out just to be with you again I love you Rebecca. Please, at least acknowledge this.
You show one hint! Just one hint your love is still there for me an I fuck it up. How does this happen every time?! I’m so upset with myself right now, maybe I should’ve just observed what you were writing instead of liking everything and reporting shit! I’m such a dumbass! It’s like you get an inch closer and I try to grab your hand hug you and kiss you all in the same motion. Idk what I’m doing but apparently I’m going about US all wrong =,(
Tomorrow makes a month without, my love is still going strong for you and it will continue to. According to your Facebook and Tumblr I still have your heart. I want to discuss things with you, but I don’t want to hurt you or put you through any more hurt than necessary. I decided that I’m going to do a minor in Public Relations. Just thought you might want to know. I love you very much, we’ll get through this. I promise.
(my hands are shaking) I… Miss you. A lot baby. I thought that I was completely losing you. Idk what to do. I guess I’ll continue with my plans of attempting to sweep you off your feet again. It shouldn’t be too difficult because as of right now it looks as if we’re both still deeply in love. I like that, I dislike being apart from you. I’m sorry. I will make up for it. You’ll have me for the rest of your life.
Last night was great, we hung out exactly like friends. Except I couldn’t keep my thoughts about you to myself. I accept that we aren’t together, I accept that there is a possibility we’ll be together again. I love you. Nothing, or anyone will change that not even you.
Last night was just like old times, she called and I comforted her. I miss her, every but of her! She is me. We are one. I think I know for sure she can’t leave me. I cried and so did she. I think we both felt better
I learned a lot from my talk with two unnamed sources about who you’re with right now. And they are reliable. I don’t hold it against you at all. Maybe you need this is in your life. I’m very confused; I thought I’d be upset. But I’m not I love you and I still want to see you Thursday. I want things to go well, but I don’t know how to go about them. You think I would leave and be upset after I learned what I did last night. I smoked and drank myself sick yesterday after I heard you had sex with him after we broke up and you slept in his house. Idk if it’s true or not but the person I learned it from saw you with their own eyes. Wow. Smh. I love you to death. Nothing you can do can turn me away. Am I stupid or just seriously in fuckin love? What do you really want? Are you attempting to replace me with him until I come back? Or me with him for good? You gotta look out for yourself. I love you and I understand. That’s why I won’t confront you about it. I won’t try to embarrass you, here is the last place I’ll ever mention it. I can’t stand to see you hurt. If you’re happy with him, go. Be happy. You deserve it and if I can’t bring it to you someone else definitely will. I’m hurting because I miss you, not because of what you’re doing now. You no longer belong to me, you can do what you like and just be happy. I want you to always be happy. Just know that my heart always belongs to you. I’m in love with you. There isn’t much else I can say.
I stopped writing for a while because I lost faith that we wouldn’t someday be together again. I forgot that some things happen for a reason. And in our case a lot of things happened for a reason. Idk what happened right before New Years, but I honestly do know one thing. I prayed a lot. I prayed and I asked God to show me if we belonged together. And the next thing I know you were calling me telling me that someone else knew something they had no business knowing about and what was left of my heart crumbled, burned into ashes, and just flew away with the wind. That was a sign, but it doesn’t stop me from loving you, it can’t stop the way I feel about you. Nothing ever will. I really have no clue how I am going to earn your trust, love, and friendship back. But I’ve decided to start with friendship. That’s how we began the first time so I thought I’d have some luck there.
It’s so different not having you around. It still hurts every day. You’re in my thoughts every day, and remember us like we used to be and how we are now and it literally just makes my heart feel so heavy. When I recently asked if we could start over, I’m not absolutely sure why you said yes. But I’m so glad you did. I believe that this is my only chance, and if I fuck this up I’ll lose you forever. I really do miss you, I miss you being there for me and me being there for you. I saw that you posted “So Small by Carie Underwood the other day. It made me think so hard about what that song was. I looked it up and I must’ve literally listened to it at least four or five times. Was that a sign that you still have love for me? When you said you love me forever I believed you. Did you believe me? Everyone I talk to now has heard about you and how I love you. They haven’t heard entirely what has happened between us but they all say they liked you, and they liked us together. And that they believe that we’ll probably be back together. That makes me happy, to actually know that it showed. Who we really were with one another every single one of my friends knows! I love you. I just want to tell you so bad, I long to be with you. My feelings haven’t lessened at all and when I talk about you to people, it’s all positive, and my only concern is where am I in your life now? Am I lower than whale shit? Because since everything that’s happened, that’s where I would think I am.
I told you the other day when I saw you at work that I miss you being my best friend, because I really do. We’ve had plenty of talks about my so called friends, and I swear that you are really the only true friend I’ve ever had. You’ve never taken advantage of me; you’ve always been there for me. When I needed someone you were there even if I didn’t want help you were there. I shouldn’t have pushed you away. I should’ve let you in. I think I just have vulnerability issues. But I want to be vulnerable to you. I want you to be there and I want to be there for you.
Damn, I miss you. I understand you may not be comfortable with doing certain things with me, but I just want to talk to you. I want to know what classes you’re gonna take this semester, I forgot already. I wanna know if you got your books. Well, I know you did. I know you. But I want to ask you because I care. I want to know how things are at home, how Anna your mom and dad and your nana are doing. I want to know if you applied for U of R yet and if you’re leaning more toward U of R than Geneseo or the other way around. I want to know how your friends are and if you even talk to them. How things turned since you started giving people second chances. I want to know how your New Years Eve was and if you just slept or watched the countdown at home with your parents or not. I wanna know if you still plan to go to Agatina’s for your birthday and if you mind if I get you something, as long as you’re comfortable with it. I wanna ask if you’re still babysitting.
These are things I know I should keep to myself. I want to see if you still wear the necklace, and if your steering wheel still has the Poohbear cover on it. I wonder if you have the urge to give me our things, or if you’ve already disposed of them. I hold onto every bit of you that I get. I wore the clothes you gave me the other day just so you could see how they look on me. I wonder if you realized. I just want to hug you. I miss your hugs.
Well, I just sent you a text; you said you were trying to take a nap. My bad Lol I didn’t mean to interrupt. I think I’ll muster up the courage to ask you to maybe get some Chinese at Wok with You or Chipotle. I’ve eaten fast food. I got sick again, smh. I’ll never be the same. Lol
I’m just crying endlessly right now. It’s our relationship, my family, my friends, school, work, I feel like I’m losing everything and everyone in my life right now. I’m so stressed and you’re the only one that knows me well enough actually help. I’m sorry I keep texting you. I know you have finals. Damn I’m so sorry I hurt you, karma is a bitch and she hit me so hard; even though I’ve never meant to hurt you ever. I’m in the hole so deep right now and every second I feel like I have a leg up I slide right back in and it feels like the hole gets deeper every time.
I just, today I was thought I was coming in at ten; I had to open at nine so I called my aunt and begged her to take me into to work. And I got there on time. I fucked up on the drawer like three times today. And on my break I went to look through my iPod just to write some stuff and I saw your note after we had our huge fight in Buffalo.
Why am I such a shitty person?
I try, I really do. Do you think I try? Do you think I’m a shitty person?
Damn, I wish I could take it all back. Be something other than this, anything!
Then when I got home no one was here. I don’t think you understand. It’s not only you I feel like I left in the dark, like I’m literally alone right now. Zeke has a concert that I completely forgot about and now I can’t make it there. My “friends”, none of them answer my texts or calls. It’s like I’m a ghost. Or I’m in a bad dream. I want you; no I need you right now. I need comfort. I’m s lousy and I feel like nothingness right now, a useless pile of slob.
I missed a call from my mom, and I listened to some old messages you left me. Of which like ten were I love you baby I’m going to sleep. WHY?! Why couldn’t I just pick up the phone, wait till you fell asleep or even talk to you? I was too busy being self centered. Hanging out. Pshh. Please. I need a fuckin life. I should’ve been there for you. I wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t want me back. Look at me! I’m a fuckin mess!
This day is almost over, and for the count 534-6= 528 days until I ask you to be with me again for good.
I can’t do anything. Brush my teeth, take nose spray, eat, work, sleep. You’re everywhere in my thoughts. I can’t do anything. All I do is think of you. I miss you, I hurt. I just wanna be with you. I’m afraid I’ll lose you as my lover and as my friend.
Just to begin for today I have to add that these posts maybe posted on the same day because I’m typing them in my Word document program and not online.
I didn’t get to type last night because I fell asleep, I see what you mean, work can be very draining standing there helping all of those customers, wow. I respect you for it, because you do it all the time. I miss you, after I called last night all I could think about was what you were doing and how the hell I could make it to you just to say hello give you a hug and leave. That’s all. The rush you give me is greater than before, I guess the saying that you never know what you’ve got until it’s gone is so true. I can feel it. I work again today, and I cannot help but think about you the whole time I’m there. Your smile, your laugh, how you would show me to do things when I got them wrong, you’re everywhere in my head and I just want you around.
My family is good; we’re having some great quality time. You’re mom says everyone is okay at home. I hope you got your ten page paper done that was due. I know school has been a little rough lately especially since everything that has happened with us. I never meant to hurt you and I know you’ve forgiven me but I just want you to know that that was never intended. I intended to better myself through school, not only for me but for us and our future. I love you.
I’m off to work, I don’t know if I should text you good morning. I will, but I don’t know if I should. Anyways, I know one of your presents is going to be super late, sorry about that. I’ll write more later, but I’ve gotta catch the bus or else I’ll be really late. I love you!
The first day was the worst, maybe the days get better as they go by. Being with my family makes me feel a lot better. I haven’t seen them or spent time with them in a while. The boys are so big, now that I think about it you haven’t seen them in a while either. I wonder if you want to. I wonder if you like my family as much as I like yours. And we both know what has happened in the past but I think I know the answer.
I was thinking about your Christmas presents, I got you three but one hasn’t come in and it’s making me nervous because I bought it a while ago. Anticipation is the worst. Especially in real life situations. And well the other two…I know for sure you wouldn’t guess one and the other you may have realized what it is because I bought it from the store Lol
There really isn’t much more to say, I won’t get to see you today and you’ll be busy all weekend. Maybe I should catch up with my “friends”. I miss them a bit, hanging with them and talking to them. I guess that’s all for now.
This blog makes it a little better I guess. Plus me talking to you, and getting to see you a bit, just not knowing about the future worries me. I mean we all go through every day not knowing the future. I don’t want to know everything, just my future with you if we even have one. I want to see you this weekend but you have plans and maybe its best if I stand back a little and not smother you. I made a ton of valid points today, obviously because they were all about how I feel and how could I be wrong about that. I need to stop crying. Are you testing my love? Is God testing me again and again with you to see if I mean what I say when I pray to Him to give me you for the rest of my life? At one point in my life before I even met you I prayed for a woman like you and now you’ve come along, I can’t lose you.
I look forward to Christmas and maybe New Year’s isn’t going to happen….you’re birthday I can’t really make US plans cause instead of me thinking that it’s your day I immediately thought time to make up for being an ass! But I will utilize every chance I get. Time to sleep, last night when I slept in your basement I had some weird dreams some of which I can’t remember and one if even woke me up out of my sleep sweating and choking cause I couldn’t breathe. It sounds so familiar to my life without you.
I watched Charlie Brown and I kept picturing myself as the kid without the blanket who always cried but became stronger and stronger until eventually when he got his blanket back he not only didn’t need it all the time but he cherished every moment with it. I’m sorry, I’m not trying to call you a blanket Lol but I heavily relate with that. Good night.
You asked me to open the store today which I’m completely comfortable with, I’m just nervous of how you will view how good I did. Me hugging you this morning made my heart race, waking up to your voice makes my heart race, looking into to your eyes makes my heart break. I want you, I want you so bad, I want you you know I want you so bad it’s driving me mad it’s driving me mad. Being here with you strengthens the heart break, maybe it is best if we spend some time apart…
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